Coping with bullying

Bullying comes in many forms and is something that the ‘Resonants’ series http://t.co/U3Kq3MJq0v deals with as a recurring theme because it’s a subject I feel strongly about. In this blog I look at bullying at school and how it translates to adult life, drawing on my own experiences, either as victim or observer.

Physical bullying Bullies who act out physically usually ensure that they have superior strength, fighting ability or backup, i.e. a gang, and confront the victim directly. Example: a bully walks up to the victim with their gang behind them and demands that the victim gives them the lollipop they’re sucking. After taking the lollipop, the bully throws it in the dirt and stamps on it. They then make the victim pick up the lollipop and suck it again or get beaten up.

Emotional bullying Bullying isn’t always physical, and when a bully dislikes or is jealous of someone they often spread rumours or use social media to attack and denigrate the victim whilst trying to solicit support from others. Example: victim is above average weight and not part of the ‘cool gang’. The leader of the ‘cool gang’ posts comments about the victim’s apparent ‘obesity’ to their large number of followers, who join in on the attack. Word inevitably gets back to the victim. Sometimes it’s passive and very subtle and harder to deal with, like freezing someone out of the group without any overt unpleasantness.

Dealing with bullying

So how do you deal with bullies? There are no easy answers:

Ignore them. Don’t let their inadequacy define you. Know that you have value in this world and the mere fact that you do not need to resort to bullying already puts you higher up the ladder than them. Ignoring someone is a form of standing up for yourself and the bullying might stop when they cannot get a reaction.  The emotional damage of giving in to bullies too easily lasts a lot longer than the physical, your self-esteem will plummet and the bullying is likely to continue. But while you may have to defend yourself verbally, taking physical action yourself or posting horrible things about someone online is never the answer. If you are at physical risk, better to walk away. Often resisting the bullying is impossible so you should never hesitate or be ashamed to tell your parents, friends or teachers what’s going on. All schools will have anti-bullying processes in place. Remember, you’re probably not the only victim and you owe it to yourself and others to put a stop to it. Telling those in authority takes courage too, as there’s always the real fear that things may get worse after. As long as you are telling the truth, you’ll always be able to hold your head up high.

You could try using humour, but tread carefully.  Sian Jones, a psychologist at Oxford Brookes University found a link between bullying and humour.  She found that children who use self-defeating forms of humour (such as making fun of low points about themselves or criticising themselves to make others laugh) were more likely to be bullied than those who use more positive forms of humour. And if a child is bullied, there is an increase in the use of self-defeating humour over time so victims of bullying are often trapped in a vicious cycle http://bit.ly/1whC1vD. Getting humour right is difficult but is a skill worth developing, as it will stand you in good stead throughout your life.

Avoid the mistake of assuming all bullies are dumb. Some are smart and are learning skills they will use to get what they want after leaving school. It’s a sad fact of life that clever bullies can rise to the top in business and politics, becoming highly skilled at hiding their methods, and you may have cause to call on the skills you’ve developed to combat them. Journalist Jon Ronson, in his book ‘The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry’ suggests about 4% of company chief executives(CEO’s) display psychopathic tendencies, versus 1% for the general population. It’s not unreasonable to assume therefore that this psychopathy will be evident in the lower management layers too.

It may be hard to believe, but there are bullies who can be redeemed – often you just need to stand up to them and win their respect and who knows, you may even become friends and they may grow to become a better person. Sounds far-fetched I know. After all, we’re all changed by experience and the quality of the people we meet along the way. I knew someone like this and he turned out OK.